


Neither Afraid and Both Terrified

by JAMES_BUCHANON_BARNES_YES



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:43:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11116332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAMES_BUCHANON_BARNES_YES/pseuds/JAMES_BUCHANON_BARNES_YES
Summary: Steve comes home to find Bucky has sent some bone-chilling texts his way. He immediately rushes to Bucky's house with the single goal of keeping Bucky alive.





	Neither Afraid and Both Terrified

**Author's Note:**

> Just a trigger warning for anyone who's had suicidal thoughts or knows someone who has.

“That was great! We should definitely do that again sometime.” Steve smiled, getting out of the car.

“Yeah, but next time I’m finding you a girlfriend, Rogers.” Natasha promised. Steve laughed in a way that said: ‘Natasha that is going to happen in never.’ Sam just rolled his eyes from the driver’s seat.

“Alright, bye Steve!” He called, and Nat waved as she rolled up her tinted window. He walked into his apartment building with a smile on his face. The evening had been great, as it always was when his friends dragged him out of his apartment. He was alone in the elevator going up to the fourth floor, so he pulled out his phone to see if he’d gotten any texts. He had.

When Steve turned on the screen, he discovered that he’d gotten about a thousand text messages from Bucky. He smiled, since Bucky wasn’t usually very into using his cell phone. When he opened up their chat and began to read the messages, however, the smile was wiped off his face. He sped out of the elevator and into his apartment, barely closing the door before he completely freaked out. Bucky’s messages were being extremely frightening to Steve. Bucky didn’t seem to want to live.

“Bucky? You there?” Steve spoke into the phone after dialing Bucky’s number and getting no answer. “Bucky, please, if you’re listening to me, I’m going over to your place right now. Bucky please.” He hung up and put his phone back into his pocket, running out of his apartment. He had no time to deal with other people clogging up the elevator, so he just took the stairs. By “took the stairs” I mean he jumped down each flight of stairs and was out the door in under a minute.

Speeding down the road on his motorcycle, the wind made his hair whip him in the face. He prayed. He hadn’t prayed in awhile, but he prayed fervently now. Anything he could possibly do in that moment, he would do. He couldn’t deal with this. He would not be able to handle losing Bucky a second time. He would just shatter, right there.

“Bucky!” He whispered under his breath as he came to a screeching halt outside Bucky’s apartment. “I swear to God, Bucky. If you’re not in there…” He was talking to himself in a panic, pushing through crowds, knocking people over in his hurry to get inside the building. Sixth floor. Sixth floor. He thought to himself, hopping on an empty elevator and praying that nobody wanted to get on it. As he passed the third floor, the elevator slowed to a stop to let someone on.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me right now!” He screamed, trying to pull out his own hair as the elevator doors opened. A young woman stood there, saw Steve, then turned around and walked back down the hall. He frantically hit the ‘door close’ button until he was going skyward once again. “Bucky. Bucky. Bucky.” He whispered to himself as he practically fell through the elevator doors and flew down the hallway. 306. 306. He passed room 300. Then 301. He was so close.

When he reached 306, he reached in his pocket for his keyring, knowing he had the key to Bucky’s apartment since he was pretty much Bucky’s only friend. He pulled out his stuffed keyring and began to fiddle with the keys, looking for the right one. His hands were shaking so badly that he dropped the keys. “Goddamnit!” He cried as they fell to the floor. He never used such vulgar language. He did not have the time to go through his keyring right now. Not when he didn’t know what Bucky might do to himself. He took a deep breath.

The door splintered in half at his kick, and he dove through the broken center, scraping himself in the sides but not caring in the slightest.

“Bucky?!” He called, hearing nothing but silence. “Bucky!” He called again, and began checking for his friend in all of the room. “Bucky, I swear to God! Where are you?!”

He found Bucky in the last room he checked. Technically he wasn’t in a room. He was sitting on the fire escape stairs outside his apartment, looking down at the street.

“Bucky!” Steve called, climbing ungracefully out the window. “Oh, God, Bucky. What are you doing?” Bucky’s lips stayed glued shut, his eyes closing calmly for a moment before reopening then and looking over at the skyline without moving his body in the slightest. “C’mon, Buck…” Steve pleaded from the other end of the platform, afraid to go any closer.

“Steve…?” Bucky said dazedly. His voice was ragged, and he sat slumped.

“Bucky. It’s me. Please, what are you doing?” He didn’t like the hazy look he saw in Bucky’s chocolate eyes.

“I wanted to see the sunset again...” Bucky trailed off, still watching the orange glow of the sun as it continued its descent without a care in the world.

“See the sunset again... like... for the last time…?” Steve was almost too terrified to ask. Bucky just nodded slightly. “Bucky! NO. You are gonna see the sunset a million times after tonight. You can watch it with me tomorrow, even. If you’d like.” Steve stepped two inches closer.

“Steve, I don’t really deserve to live, though, do I?” Bucky asked rhetorically. Steve did not take it as a rhetorical question.

“Yes, Bucky. Yes, you do deserve to live. You are the best man I’ve ever known.” Steve pleaded, stepping a bit closer once again. Bucky just looked down and shook his head slightly.

“I killed children.” Bucky whispered, seemingly to nobody but the sky.

“Bucky that wasn’t you. You were brainwashed by HYDRA! That’s not something you’d do. Bucky, you buy people ice cream and save lives. Hell, you saved my life just about a thousand times. Bucky, that wasn’t you!” Steve was practically screaming, just willing his friend to snap out of it. He stepped closer again, so he was now only about four feet away from Bucky.

“Don’t come any closer, Steve. I don’t know what I might do.” Bucky’s voice broke with fear as he said this, though his eyes betrayed no life to Steve.

“Bucky, what are you talking about? You aren’t gonna hurt me.” Steve said, stepping three more inches toward Bucky.

“I might if you try to stop me.” Bucky said in a completely monotone voice that just about broke Steve’s heart.

“Buck. I know you wouldn’t. You’re sweet, and funny, and compassionate. You’re a good man, Bucky. The best I’ve ever known.” Steve didn’t know what to do.

“I’m not who you think I am. I’m a murderer. An assassin. That’s all I know how to be.”

“Damnit, Bucky! You can’t possibly think that!” Steve screamed, taking two more steps toward his friend.

“Steve. Don’t.” Bucky said, finally looking toward Steve. They locked eyes, Bucky’s so full of pain, and Steve’s just not sure what to do. He took another step forward. Bucky got to his feet, leaning against the railing. Below that railing was a six story drop.

“Bucky—”

“Steve, don’t try to stop me. After what I’ve done, I don’t deserve to live.” Bucky looked up at Steve once again, leaning slightly against the railing with those pained eyes. Steve finally lost it.

“Bucky stop! JUST. STOP. You can’t jump from there because I won’t let you. You just can’t do that. I can’t lose you again! You’re important to me, you piece of shit! I won’t lose you again! I Can’t! I’d never be able to handle it, Bucky! If you go, I go! I- I can’t live without you.” Bucky just stared at him, leaning more against the railing.

“Steve…” He trailed off.

“Bucky. Don’t do it. I can’t lose you again. I can’t. It’d break me. I could never live without you. Life without you just isn’t worth living. Bucky, I-” Steve closed his eyes for a second, a single tear falling through his defenses. “Bucky I love you.”

Steve opened his eyes to see Bucky sitting on the edge, completely frozen. Steve forgot everything and rushed forward the last three feet, grabbing Bucky by his rather limp shoulders and yanking him away from the railing, bringing him next to the wall where Steve was between him and all edges. Steve then just grabbed Bucky and wrapped his arms around him, holding him there. He just held him there.

Finally Steve pulled out of the hug, holding onto Bucky’s shoulders to keep him from flying away. He locked eyes with Bucky. Bucky’s eyes had lost their dead look, having been replaced by closed-off and cold. Steve couldn’t remember what he’d said, just knew he was holding Bucky away from the edge.

“Let’s go inside, Bucky.” Steve said, using one hand to open the door and the other to Push Bucky in before him. He sat Bucky down on the couch then sat down next to him. Steve held both of Bucky’s hands in his, tightly, refusing to let go of him now. They sat like that in silence for a good ten minutes, just Steve holding onto Bucky’s hands for fear that he’d disappear if he let go. Bucky was more alert now, seemed to understand the world around him better.

“...Steve?” Bucky said tentatively, his voice ragged and vulnerable. Steve just looked into his eyes and squeezed his hands as tightly as he could. “About what you said back there… is that true?”

Steve had no recollection of anything he’d said. He was in too much of an emotional state to remember words. But, he didn’t think he would lie to Bucky in a situation like this. He was actually a bit worried he’d told too much of the truth. However, Bucky needed all the reassurance he could get just then, so Steve said “I said it, didn’t I?”

Bucky looked at their hands, clasped together. He pulled his out of Steve’s grip. Steve just kept looking at his now empty hands. Had he done something wrong? Then he felt Bucky’s hand on the back corner of his jaw, gently resting there. Steve looked up. He had no idea what was going on.”...Bucky…?” He whispered as Bucky pulled their faces together and kissed Steve. Steve was too shocked to kiss Bucky back, and just sat there, stunned. Bucky hesitated, then pulled his head back again.

“Steve?” He asked, his voice as innocent as a child’s. “Is this okay?”

Steve just reached forward and pulled Bucky to him once again, kissing him slowly. The two sunk into each other’s kiss until they were completely wrapped around each other on the couch, lying down. They stopped kissing and just lay there, two friends wrapped around each other quietly. Then Bucky broke the silence: “Steve, I love you, too, you know.”

“I always have.” Steve said quietly into Bucky’s ear. They held each other like that all through night, neither afraid and both terrified.


End file.
